THE TED OFFENSIVE: The 5-year Nuge immigration plan

May 14, 2013 | « back

Exclusive: Ted Nugent explains his process whereby only ‘hump-busters’ become citizens

If we get just one thing right regarding the immigration confusion, let’s demand common sense from our professional political clowns who could and would write a 300-page instruction manual on how to tie your shoes.

Everything worthwhile comes from maximum effort. All legal immigrants who are willing to bust their hump and prove they want to be a glowing, positive asset to America, like always, are welcome. Everyone else should be forced to vamoose back to Mexico, especially the crazy people who want America to become as rotten as the place they escaped. We don’t need any more bloodsuckers.

In America, nothing worth having comes easy or cheap. We should erect tough hurdles and tests in front of all immigrants to deter those not willing to try hard. Those who are willing to apply Herculean effort to become a productive American should have a welcome mat put out in front of them, losers not so much. We already have way more than we can handle.

The Nuge Immigration Plan (NIP) takes five years for even illegal immigrants to become Americans. Until then, they should be treated like indentured servants, meaning that they have to earn their citizenship.

The NIP is not an amnesty program. Amnesty is for left-wing mollycoddlers, losers, bureaucrats and hippies. Occupy that.

We need a real full-length, undefeatable border fence built. All illegal men in America should be required to work on building the fence, to be completed in one year. We would pay them minimum wage, provide food and shelter, and provide them English and American history classes at night. Everyone wins.

Illegal aliens trying to become an American are not eligible for any state or federal crack welfare during the five-year Nuge immigration probationary period. None. When the going gets tough, the tough Wango ze Tango.

A child of an illegal immigrant who is a member of a gang will result in the entire family being sent back to Mexico. This will result in the family being permanently barred from ever applying for citizenship in America. There are no appeals. We need strong families, not strong gangs.

Any man or woman who is a known member of a street rat gang will be tossed out of the country and is not eligible to return. If he or she is caught re-entering America, we will apply Sheriff Joe Arpaio justice.

Because learning English in order to be an asset to your fellow Americans is the first common-sense rung on the American Dream ladder, all illegal immigrants must be fluent in the English language at the end of my five-year plan and pass a U.S. Constitution and history exam, including what a scoundrel Santa Anna was.

Any felony conviction during the five-year immigration probationary period just bought the person a one-way ticket back to his home nation – you remember, the hell hole you desperately wanted to get the hell out of. He or she will be permanently barred from ever coming back to America. We do not need any more criminal thugs.

The anchor baby scam should be immediately rescinded. You don’t need to be a constitutional expert like our president to know that the original intent of the 14th Amendment was not to provide citizenship to illegal women or their babies who are born on American soil.

Our massively ignorant, politically correct, terminally boondoggled juggernaut of a federal government should immediately cease printing any signs or literature in Spanish or any other language.

The most racist thing our government does is to print literature in Spanish, thereby encouraging people not to learn English and deny themselves all the American Dream has to offer.

Illegal Mexicans in America on the NIP pathway to citizenship should be proud of their Mexican heritage. They should be more proud to be an American and teach their children that Mexico is the old country they wanted out of. America is the new country they pledge allegiance to, because it is better. Much better.

There is an old Mexican saying that goes: Never ask God to give you anything; ask Him to put you where things are.

America is where things are, and the American Dream is worth sacrificing and busting your hump for. How bad do you want it?